The past few days theres been this spider crawling about on my curtains,
I honestly dont know how he's still alive, but I enjoy his presence.

I like how owls always sound echo-y.

The most strangest of things has happened to me,
I was playing on a minecraft server when this fellow said that I said on another minecraft server that I said I supported trump & said racist things,
This obviously could not be true, as I've been trying not to swear as much as of lately & the only slurs I have said in the past are the F-slur & the K-slur.
I regret talking to this person because I tried to handle it in a somewhat serious & half-jokey manner, when I shouldn't have talked at all, or I should have responded in horse puns, because this all started after I said "Hello everypony".

As a kid I would say anything, but as I've grown older I've gotten more shy, because most of the time I regret what I say,
not that I think whatever I've said is the end of the world, I just wish that I didn't talk at all in those moments.

gotta ruin my sleep schedule again.

I think its quite beautiful how after I watched Twin Peaks I started seeing it everywhere
like seeing 1 flower then suddenly its a whole field of flowers if that makes sense.

I had a nightmare last night
It was night time, I was in the kitchen cleaning the cup I use for coffee,
the furniture was an older layout from a few years ago, & my dad was also up, he was sitting by the unlit fireplace where my mom used to sit at,
then suddenly, out of nowhere lanky kong from donkey kong 64 appears next to where we had our tv, hes doing a little dance & clapping his hands above his head, he is barely lit enough to see,
only I see him, I know in the dream that this is a hallucination & as soon as he appears I get that adrenaline/fear rush you get from nightmares & when this happens my dad worries for me & asks whats wrong in a panicked tone.

I've actually been in a good mood all day, who knew that trying to meditate while doing literally anything + today being very silent would help with my mood.
(christian meditation not buddhism meditation)
& blackberry jam on toast is sooooooooo goooooood.

Never had jam before, this new taste gives me a small reprieve from my sorrows.

I dont know the true weight of what I ask for

Its been almost a full year now since I've started going "crazy"

I would like to thank God for keeping my head from spontaneously exploding into gore.

I cannot give up, because I know nothing else but to persevere.
I feel lost, I lie & wait.

I am still not free from this curse, God has not answered this prayer of mine.

He's answered my prayers before, so why not this one?

This horrible thing that I cannot control despite my best efforts, this sinful thing.

I really do give up, 8 years of tears I cannot do anything about it, God wont even do anything about it even though it hurts him as it does me.

I tried, I really really really did.

Despite this I wont worry, I'll do my best not to, but there will always be a shadow of shame following me as long this corrupted part of me exists.